Let’s get real about “self-care.”
The term “self-care” has been so overused and abused that I think it has lost its true meaning. It’s come to mean, “Go get a massage, honey.” Or, “Have your nails done, babe.” Or, “Go treat yourself with a facial. You deserve it.” And there is nothing wrong with doing those things! But they are not the be-all and end-all of self-care. Let’s talk about basic self-care—the self-care that matters when you’re in a depression so deep that you and your bed have morphed into one creature. Let’s lower the bar a little and talk about what self-care looks like when you can’t leave your house or don’t have the money for all the glam stuff.
You can Google self-care and find all kinds of neat gadgets and fancy products, but I want to talk about what my friends and I find difficult when we’re really in a funk.
Take your meds
It can be easy to lose track of time or to fall into the pit where it seems like the prescribed medication for my physical or mental health doesn’t matter. Sometimes it can feel like I don’t even deserve treatment that will keep me healthier. This is a lie my depression is telling me.
Taking your medication as prescribed is self-care. You might need a pill organizer and a bunch of alarms, or to recruit a friend to remind you. But taking the medication you rely on for your physical, mental health, or substance use disorders can make it so much more possible to keep going. During the times when you can’t do all the things … do this thing.
Brush your teeth
I know this might sound stupid if you’ve never been in a place where you truly don’t care and can’t be bothered with brushing your teeth, but this is the stuff I’m talking about. My people will know. There are times when daily basic habits seem unsurmountable. If you’re in one of those brutal lulls, drag yourself into the bathroom and brush your teeth. It is so crucial to your health and well-being (now and long-term). You don’t even have to floss! I will throw you a parade. And then yes you can climb back into bed.
Take a shower
Showering is both self-care, and another basic grooming habit that can fall away when you’re extremely depressed. Taking a shower gets pushed from one day to the next … and suddenly it’s been 3 days since water has touched your body.
Pushing off the task of showering is not only about not having the energy. It’s often about not caring about yourself. Counter this by taking contrary action and pushing yourself to take a shower. You don’t have to shave. If you want to wash your hair, bonus points. But let’s just soap up that body, feel the warm water, wash off the scent of despair, and dry off. If you can change into a clean pair of sweatpants and t-shirt, bravo! You will be shocked at how much a shower shifts your mood.
Eat something
Some people eat to excess when they’re depressed. Others like me, shut down and don’t eat. My appetite vanishes, and suddenly I’m not really eating (and not even noticing that I’m not eating). This is another place where you need to force yourself. What you eat doesn’t have to be a lot. I don’t care if you just get a smoothie down. The fewer nutrients you take in, the less energy you’re going to have, the more depressed you’re going to be, and boom! We’re in a vicious cycle. So eat, goddamnit. Snack food is okay. Push for the fruits and veggies and protein … but, hey, I’ll even take string cheese. Let’s get something in that belly.
There are a bunch of videos on YouTube and TikTok about “depression meals” that might give you some ideas. It’s fine if you’re going to the same easy or comforting food every day, if that’s what it takes to get some nourishment into you.
Connect with other humans
When a major depressive episode takes hold, I tend to isolate. I don’t return texts or calls and I certainly don’t make them. As the days pass, my only companion is my ruminating brain that has nothing good or nice to say. I feel extremely alone. I don’t want to bother people. I don’t want people to think I’m pathetic. But again isolating makes me more depressed. And depression makes me isolate.
If you fall into this pattern, too, you must break the cycle and reach out to a safe friend and ask for support. Crying alone, clutching your pillow, is not the same as a friend telling you they love you, giving you support, or sending food to your house. You need to be reminded that this feeling will pass. Get on a meeting. If you can’t open your mouth, at least listen. Social interaction can trigger dopamine and oxytocin which you desperately need when you’re down and out. So get that fix.
Get some sunshine
I’m not telling you to take a walk (although that would really help). I can never seem to do that when I’m in an episode. But just open your front door, smell some fresh air, feel the sun on your face. Vitamin D from that ball of fire in the sky (or even vitamin D supplements) can help ease depression symptoms. Exposure to sunlight can help your brain release serotonin and you need all the happy neurotransmitters you can get.
Sometimes I just sit on my doorstep in my ratty sweatpants with my bedhead, and close my eyes and breathe for a bit. There is a whole beautiful world out there, and you will be part of it again. I mean, I’m not asking you to open your curtains. Come on, that’s Olympic-style cognitive behavioral therapy. Let’s just take baby steps.
The bottom line
The key when you’re in a fragile or depressive state is to be gentle with yourself, but to do the small things that might help just a little. Many times a depressive episode, if it’s not situational, just needs to run its course. But you might be able to hurry it along a bit with some nutrients and sun and a talk with a sweet, supportive friend. Self-care doesn’t have to mean getting a full set of acrylics or some new highlights in your hair. It can be really simple stuff that doesn’t require you to spend money or leave the house. Try to meet yourself where you’re at.