While I don’t think it’s helpful to frame self-talk as “negative,” as a therapist, I do know there are unhelpful ways of thinking. These types of thoughts can keep us stuck and may exacerbate symptoms of anxiety and depression, affecting our relationships, well-being, and quality of life. In my experience, as a clinician and a person in long-term recovery, it is possible to find reprieve from these unhelpful thought patterns with some simple techniques, allowing you to focus on the life you want.
What do people mean by “negative self-talk” (or unhelpful self-talk)?
The answer to this question is complicated. If I have my therapist hat on, negative self-talk is often referred to as a thought distortion or thinking error. In cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), thought distortions are negative (unhelpful) thoughts and behavioral patterns that influence a person’s interpretation of events.
For example, Dave might see his friends in happy relationships and think that he’ll never find a partner and may even believe he’s unloveable. That might play out with a thought distortion called mental filtering, which focuses only on the negative and disqualifies, dismisses, or ignores the positive. Let’s say someone likes or swipes right on Dave’s dating profile. Because he’s caught in mental filtering, Dave assumes the person made a mistake and ignores the opportunity to connect with the person, instead of registering that someone who enjoyed his profile and is interested in getting to know him. Over time, Dave repeats these behaviors, and his thoughts become automatic, thus reinforcing the belief that he is unloveable and remains single.
There are many kinds of thought distortions
Here are a few other types of thought distortions or thinking errors that you may not realize you’re engaging in:
- Black-and-white thinking: Also called all-or-nothing thinking, this distortion considers situations, people, or events in two extreme categories. For example, “I didn’t work out today, so I am not going to get fit.”
- Catastrophizing: Also called fortune telling, this thought error assumes the future and predicts the worst possible outcome of a situation. For instance, “If I eat this cake, my cholesterol level will be sky high, and then I’ll probably get diabetes.”
- Labeling: A fixed view of yourself or others. For example, “My boss is a terrible person. We’ll never get along.”
- Minimizing: Evaluating yourself, others, or situations by magnifying the negative and disqualifying the positive. For instance, “I know I answered that question well on the test, but I still didn’t get the top mark in the class, so I’m not that smart.”
- Mind reading/jumping to conclusions: Assuming you know what a person is thinking or their intentions. For example, “She didn’t say hello to me, so she must hate me.”
- Emotional reasoning: Believing your feelings and emotions are reality. For instance, “I feel incompetent, so I must be incompetent.”
- Overgeneralizations: Making broad conclusions based on one piece of evidence or a single event. For example, “I failed this test, which means I am likely to fail everything for the rest of the semester.”
- Should-ing and must-ing: Believing things should or must be done in a certain way, putting an unrealistic amount of pressure on yourself. “I should never make a mistake.”
How do you counter negative self-talk?
One of the tough things about being in a cycle of unhelpful thought patterns is that it can be hard to break out of. Here are some things you can do:
- Increase awareness: Just like recovery, the first step is recognizing unhelpful thinking and its impact on one’s life.
- Look at the evidence: Note the thought and identify the distortion.
- Fact check: Ask yourself if the thought is true, and then identify the evidence to support the statement and evidence against it.
- Consider alternative explanations: Are there other ways to view this situation? You could consider the best outcome, worst case scenario, and the middle ground or most likely outcome.
- Reframe your thoughts: Given the more likely outcome, can you create a more realistic thought? If you struggle, you could think about what you would say to a friend or family member if they were thinking this way.
- Practice: Like sobriety, we change habits over time. The same applies to changing our unhelpful thoughts: it takes time and regular practice.
Sources
Grinspoon, P. How to recognize and tame your cognitive distortions. Harvard Health Publishing. Pennelle, O. (2024). Cognitive distortions worksheet. Simple Practice. Reis de Oliveira, I. (2012). Definitions and examples of 15 thought distortions. UT Health Houston. Sokol, S., & Fox, M, G. (2019). The comprehensive clinician’s guide to cognitive behavioral therapy. PESI Publishing.