An easy guide to increasing self-awareness under stress.
According to A Theory of Objective Self-Awareness by psychologists Shelley Duval and Robert Wicklund, self-awareness is, “the ability to focus on yourself and how your actions, thoughts, or emotions do or don’t align with your internal standards. If you’re highly self-aware, you can objectively evaluate yourself, manage your emotions, align your behavior with your values, and understand correctly how others perceive you.” So, it’s knowing yourself in a clear, honest way. Basically, self-awareness is the opposite of being oblivious or self-deluded.
Self-awareness serves us well almost any time in life. Research suggests that it may help us to be more effective decision-makers, boost our confidence, and allow us to better understand other people’s perspectives. It’s an especially valuable asset for effectively navigating challenges and tough circumstances.
Here’s a convenient check-in tool for tapping into your self-awareness during stressful moments. It’s a simple framework with five steps. Each step is framed as the beginning of a sentence, which you finish in your own words:
- I feel … (label the emotion)
- This feeling comes up when … (describe the context and the emotion)
- A need that is not being met for me is … (pinpoint a want/need that is not being met)
- I feel this way because I believe … (identify the connection between your beliefs and your emotions)
- Something I can do to benefit the situation is … (focus on what you can control)
After working through all five parts in earnest, people often report experiencing a sense of relief and clarity. By increasing our awareness of these five elements within ourselves, we gain access to more personal power: the ability to choose something different.
Consider a metaphor: Chess is a notoriously complicated game with very simple rules. The human mind is infinitely more so. This is a simple framework, built on principles that work, but the tools will always be limited by the skill of the practitioner. Like chess, it takes practice to master.
So. How are you feeling? Let’s take a closer look at each step of this check-in:
1. “I feel …”
- Choose a word that actually describes an emotion. Happy, sad, scared, annoyed, joyful, bored … the list of possible emotions goes on and on.
- Hint: If you can replace the word ‘feel’ with the word ‘think,’ and your sentence still makes sense, you are not naming an emotion. For example, “I feel that no one is supporting me right now,” isn’t identifying the emotion, it’s describing a belief. Other examples of non-emotions that we hear: betrayed, disrespected, uncared for. These are beliefs about what others have done to you, not emotions. Push yourself to name the real emotion underneath. It’s uncomfortable, sure … but most real growth is.
- Some labels are emotions, but often mask deeper feelings. If you find yourself using the labels angry, frustrated, or tired, challenge yourself to name 2-3 other emotions that might also be present. (You can look at an emotion wheel to help you hone in on what you’re feeling.)
2. “This feeling comes up when …”
- Describe the situation in objective terms. Objective means unbiased, and not colored by personal feelings, interpretations, or prejudice.
- To check if your sentence is objective, imagine saying it out loud to other people involved with the situation. Would they agree, or would they be defensive about it? If you describe a situation simply and factually, usually everyone present would agree with your description.
3. “A need that is not being met for me is …”
- You can get creative here, but some common needs that we all share include: belonging, freedom, affection, power and control, security, validation, fun, self-actualization, and self-worth.
4. “I feel this way because I believe …”
- Beliefs should reflect your worldview, not lay blame.
- Keep your belief within yourself; this is where you can truly create change, nowhere else. Hint: if telling your belief to anyone involved with it would make them defensive, it’s a sign that it isn’t just about you
- The beliefs we uncover when we earnestly do this exercise may sound ridiculous and irrational. They might be embarrassing. That’s okay. This is why getting more awareness about them is so important. You don’t want toxic, outdated beliefs to pull your puppet strings anymore.
5. “Something I can do to benefit the situation is …”
- Keep your focus on the things you can control.
- A good sentence for the fifth step is short and simple; an action that you are capable of and ready to take.
