The holidays. A time of joy, togetherness, and traditions … and for a lot of people, a time of stress as their friends and families create triggering situations. Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries in the face of those situations is an important coping skill in addiction recovery, as well as a tool that can make holiday gatherings feel safer and more comfortable.
Let’s talk about boundaries and some tips for setting them at your gatherings.
Your boundaries are for you, not for the other person
Sometimes when people say “setting boundaries” they mean “telling other people how they can behave.” Since we can’t control other people, this doesn’t always go well. Instead, focus on your own choices and behaviors. For example, “My brother may not ask me for money,” isn’t an effective boundary because you can’t control what he says or does. But you can have one that says, “I often feel stressed and resentful after I lend money, so I’m not doing that anymore,” because you can control what YOU say and do.
Similarly, you can’t control other people’s substance use, but you can manage how you respond to it. A boundary might be, “Being around people who are getting high makes me feel triggered and uncomfortable, so I’m only going to parties without drugs this month.”
You can also set internal boundaries that you don’t state out loud to other people. Like, “If someone pressures me to host this year’s celebration, I will say I’m not up for it this year.”
You don’t have to call them boundaries
Some people—even when they mean well—can get defensive about the idea of a boundary being set against them. But part of that can just be a reaction to the word “boundary.” Know that you don’t have to call it a boundary when you’re setting it. You can say, “I have a rule for myself not to get into political discussions this year, so I’m going to step away from any conversations that go there.” Or “I’m working on drinking less, so I’ll head out early if folks start to get drunk after dinner.” These kinds of phrases are clear about the line you’re drawing without using the word “boundary,” and they focus on you and your choices, rather than on judging others’ behavior.
Make your boundaries something you can follow through on
Set yourself up for success. If you try to set a boundary that you’re not capable of following through on, it can be really demoralizing. So think it through. For example, if part of your boundary is that you will leave in certain situations, make sure you have an escape option (drive yourself, have a rideshare app ready on your phone, wear shoes you can walk in and a warm enough coat, etc.). That way you can do what you say, which will reinforce the boundary for yourself and to others.
Don’t overexplain
Mentioning why you’re setting a boundary may be helpful, but overexplaining sometimes leads others to debate your boundary (especially if your loved ones tend to argue things in general). So don’t get caught up in overexplaining; just say the simple line you’re drawing. You don’t have to convince anyone else that your boundary is right or justified. It’s a ground rule or plan that you’re setting to protect yourself; it doesn’t require a consensus.
Boundaries are like muscles; start small and build them over time
When we get into recovery, we change so much about our lives. Sometimes it feels like we have to change everything all at once. But that can be overwhelming and hard to maintain (particularly if you’re not used to enforcing any boundaries). Start small. Then keep maintaining that boundary, and over time you can extend it as needed to promote your own well-being.