I was sad, lonely, and broken. All I knew was that my addiction ruled my life, and I was a slave to substances. I found a local 12-step meeting to see if I could find help. When I entered the meeting, the word “community” was all I heard. “You have to find your community.” “The key to recovery is community.” “Where is your community?” “The opposite of addiction is connection.”
I was LOST! I barely knew who I was, let alone wanted to share my darkest moments of my life with other people. I was vulnerable, scared, and desperate for answers on how to turn my life around, and now I was being told I needed to make friends? That people were the answer to all my problems? Who would want to associate with me, a broken addict? This made no sense to me.
I surveyed the room like a hawk. I was filled with judgment and fear throughout the meeting. I saw people smiling and happy. People were hugging each other and shaking hands, clapping, all while spilling all their emotional guts out about their struggles with substances. I was overwhelmingly shocked. I just sat frozen, trying not to make eye contact, twiddling my thumbs in nervousness. The meeting ended, and I ran out, straight to my car. I was so overwhelmed by all the people.
Even though I was stricken with anxiety, I was desperate and knew I had to go back. The next time I went, I felt slightly more comfortable. At least I had a general idea of how things worked. Before the meeting started, someone said, “Good to see you again.” I said thank you, but I was shocked. Someone remembered me?! I hadn’t made eye contact or made any social cues to anyone at that first meeting! Then someone called on me to speak. I have no idea what I said, but I know it wasn’t anything profound. I was a stuttering, depleted human being who was desperate to feel a part of. Everyone clapped after I spoke. Someone yelled, “Keep coming back.” How did these people understand what I said? Had they been where I had? Did they REALLY know me and my level of desperation? After the meeting, someone asked me if I wanted to grab coffee.
Fast forward to now: I am the smiling, clapping, hand-shaking person in the meeting. I pay attention to see if anyone comes into a meeting who is new or looks especially down. But how do you find your own community? What steps can you take? Here are a few ideas:
- Internet Search – My community started in a 12-step room, but that is not the only community you can find. Now my community includes a hiking group, an art group, a traveling group, and a gardening group. Do an internet search of topics and activities that interest you. If you’re looking for in-person community, add your city to the search. You will be surprised how many like-minded people you can find. With the internet at your fingertips, you may be able to connect with a community that fits your needs in a matter of minutes.
- Try something new to you – Early in my recovery, someone gifted me a plant. I had never owned nor wanted a plant. When I received it, though, I knew I didn’t want it to die. I researched it and tended to it as advised. It bloomed! Once it bloomed, I was hooked. I wanted more plants. You will be surprised by what new hobbies and interests you can develop in recovery. Try everything once; you might be surprised what you will take a liking to.
- Just say YES! – This is probably the biggest tip of all. If anyone invites you somewhere, just say yes. (Platonically. This isn’t romantic advice.) In early recovery, I said yes to a lot, even though most of the time on the inside I felt awkward and uncomfortable. It helped expand my friend circle, and I was able to learn more about what I do and don’t like in this new sober lifestyle.
If you are new in recovery, we all understand it’s a scary place to be. The feeling of loneliness can be intense. Do some research, try new things, and most importantly, just say YES! Do your best to find a community that fits YOU and your needs. It will make your recovery journey so much easier and help cultivate lifelong friendships.