I don’t know about you, but if I give myself a day or two off of a discipline, that’s it. It’s over.
I don’t know if this is an addict thing, but once I break my stride, I find it really hard to get back into the rhythm again. The feelings of ‘I don’t want to’ overpower my routine, and I just stop. I wish it weren’t like this. I wish I could be looser with things. But I’ve done this experiment so many times with so many substances and practices. I’ve learned that, for me, ‘discipline’ has to mean rigidity and abstinence. I’ve got two gears: everything all the time or nothing ever.
This applies to all of my routines: going to meetings, exercising, meditating, washing my dishes. And it also applies to whether I get loaded or not. I’m not a moderation person. I have been able to smoke a cigarette here and there, but that’s a rare exception. As for vaping … forget it. The vape was never out of my mouth.
Lucky me. I get obsessed and addicted to the bad stuff, but never the good stuff.
Getting off the beam is annoyingly easy
How amazing would it be if I made my bed every day? I cannot tell you the last time I made my bed. Embarrassing but true. I rationalize by telling myself I’m just going to get back in later, so what’s the point in making it? But when I have made it, I feel pride. ‘Again tomorrow!’ I think. But it doesn’t happen.
My now-deceased father used to say to me, “Discipline creates stability. Stability doesn’t create discipline.” It took me years to understand what he meant. He meant that a structured, routine life will give you that feeling of stability you’re looking for. But if you’re waiting to “feel like it” … well, best of luck to you. In my experience, it never happens. I rarely “feel like it” about those positive actions that are supposed to be habits. I always feel better AFTER, but somehow I can’t keep that in mind to motivate me to do it the next day. What the fuck?
“Later” or “tomorrow” becomes never. And it was like that when I was trying to get sober, too. I was somebody who used—all day every day—until something horrific happened. And then I’d take a break and start again.
You know the law of inertia? “An object in motion has a tendency to stay in motion unless acted upon by an outside force. An object at rest has a tendency to stay at rest unless acted upon by an outside force.” That’s how I feel about myself. And I usually don’t enjoy the “force” that gets me back into positive action. It’s easier to just stay in action (in my strict routine) and not take the break in the first place.
I recently struggled with this around recovery meetings
I guess it was almost a year ago that I just stopped going to meetings. When (occasionally) I would go, I’d hate it. The less I went, the more I hated it, and the less I went. See the pattern?
I finally started going again every morning … because I had a crush. Why else? But hey, whatever gets you there! And now I’m back in the habit of going every day. And yes, he’s still there. The more I went to meetings, the more I started to like them again. And then I began sharing. And then whaddya know?
There are so many other areas of discipline where I have fallen off the beam: exercising, meditating, working, writing. I used to be in awe of my father, who sat down at the typewriter every day at the same time for hours, no matter how he felt or what was going on. God, I’d love to be like that.
So how do you get back on the beam?
So let’s say you’re like me. You’re the kind of person who does something all the time or not at all, with no middle ground. And let’s say, like me, you’ve fallen off the beam on some practices you’d like to get back to. How do we do this?
- Don’t beat yourself up. Shame is not the healthiest or most effective motivator, and sometimes makes it even harder to get back on track. At least not for me. I have enough shame to go around. I don’t need to beat myself up about more things. My mind does a great job on its own.
- Start small. Meditate or exercise for just 5 or 10 minutes instead of pushing for an hour. Build up slowly. Right now, we’re just trying to get the routine started again. It’s easier to motivate yourself to do something for a shorter period of time. Later, when the habit is more ingrained or you’re enjoying it again, you can go harder or longer or whatever.
- Don’t tell everybody about it. I’ve announced my new regime so many times to friends or on social media and then fallen flat on my face. I’ve heard the theory that if you are public about your change, you’re more likely to stick to it because of social shaming … but that never worked for me. So I no longer do it.
- Reward yourself every time you do it. Even if the reward is just something small. Even just saying, “Good job, Amy. You rule! Let’s try to do this again tomorrow,” can count as a reward.
- Find a mentor or a buddy to help hold you accountable. With a buddy, you can bookend with them, aka call/text before you do the positive action and call/text after. With a mentor, you can call/text when you have the urge BEFORE you do the negative thing. Don’t do what I used to do: call only to guiltily report your behavior after you do the negative thing. HAHA.
Of course, in the end, find what works for you. And remember, it’s never too late to start or start again.
