Toxic positivity has the potential to be very harmful, especially if you’re a person in recovery. Toxic positivity can promote the idea that if you feel a “negative” feeling, you’re somehow doing recovery wrong.
I remember when I first got sober, people in my recovery circle and in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) seemed almost fearful of negative emotions. Instead, they would promote an unhealthy obsession with toxic positivity. I’d hear things like, “Resentment or anger is the beginning of a relapse,” all the time. That kind of perspective, in my opinion, is a form of toxic positivity that avoids dealing with the reality of being a human. I’d argue that facing challenges and feeling your feelings makes you a whole human being, more resilient, and even strengthens your recovery.
What is toxic positivity?
Toxic positivity is a form of bypassing by taking a positive mindset to the extreme. It overlooks circumstances and minimizes painful emotions in favor of optimism, according to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America. In other words, toxic positivity is the perspective that people should have a positive attitude no matter what. This should not be confused with healthy optimism—which is a balanced perspective that considers both challenges and a positive outlook. Toxic positivity looks like:
- Dismissing negative emotions: When experiencing a difficult situation, people might recite positive phrases that minimize valid struggles. These phrases might look like:
- “Just stay positive!”
- “It could be worse!”
- “At least they had a long life.”
- “Just look on the bright side.”
- “Everything happens for a reason.”
- “Just go to a meeting.”
- “Meeting makers make it.”
- “Never had a bad day sober!”
- “Anger is the first sign of relapse.”
- “Happiness is a choice.”
- Pressuring people to be “happy:” Expects others to suppress negative emotions in favor of presenting a cheerful facade.
- Leading to guilt: You might feel guilt or shame for feeling difficult emotions when you can’t focus on the positive.
- Promoting avoidant tendencies: Ignoring or suppressing negative emotions or brushing them under the rug is not a coping mechanism because the feelings or situation still needs a resolution. This is how problems, particularly relational difficulties, fester and continue to be repeated.
- Hindering connection: Relationships flourish on authentic and honest communication. By avoiding facing difficult emotions, you’re not showing up as your whole self and losing the opportunity to be vulnerable and receive empathy and support.
Recovery is living life on life’s terms
I am not dismissing the effects of a positive mindset. Studies show that cultivating gratitude increases resilience, improves mood, and enhances relationships. I am saying, however, that avoiding difficult emotions doesn’t help us recover. Recovery is about living in the vastness of the human experience. We will all likely encounter many stressors in our lives, such as:
- Divorce
- Grief
- Losing a job
- Relationship breakups
- Natural disasters
- Assaults
- Violence
- Political turmoil
- Moving
- Legal troubles
- Financial difficulties
This means we are also likely to encounter some big emotions like fear, anger, worry, anxiety, loss, rejection, and despair. Avoiding those emotions is tantamount to avoiding life on life’s terms, a central component of many recovery programs. Living life on life’s terms means experiencing the breadth of emotion that is perfectly normal.
Emotions don’t have intrinsic value judgments—they are not “negative” or “bad.” Emotions are simply a response to an experience. They are also messengers. For instance, anger tells us that someone has crossed a boundary or acted outside our value system. That doesn’t mean we should fear anger or see the emotion as a sign of impending relapse.
Powerful emotions are precisely that: powerful. What matters about big emotions is how we process them: acknowledging the feeling, processing it, and finding ways to move through it while honoring our values and what matters most, as well as finding an adaptive mindset. For example, my friend recently ditched me on my birthday in favor of going on a date. I felt angry. Acknowledging that, I took a moment to see what lay underneath that emotion, which was hurt. I was hurt that my friend had broken a promise and wouldn’t be celebrating my birthday with me. I process those feelings and honor my values by expressing my hurt and finding ways to celebrate despite their behavior.
So, the healthy optimism here is that I know my boundaries and am confident about how I want to be treated. Hating this person or making assumptions about their motivations doesn’t serve how I want to live my life or my well-being. Instead, I validate the feeling, honor myself by expressing my hurt, and move on. I know there are plenty of people in this world who want to celebrate life with me.